August 27 In the waiting room

It is Wednesday, in the early afternoon. I just received a call from a college friend, Jack Overstreet. I haven’t talked to Jack in about 25 years and there will be a lot to catch up on with him. But, it is best that I missed his call and will be able to respond later; the hospital waiting room is, despite the sunlight streaming in, not a great place to respond and I want to renew this friendship with hope and love.

Jane entered surgery at about 10:30 AM this morning. Kim Crivello is here with me this morning, it is the first time that a friend has joined me during one of Jane’s surgeries, and I really appreciate it. I had broken down crying last night, talking to my sister, Winnie Charley, about my fear that I could lose Jane.

Almost exactly 20 years ago, when my daughter was born (this is for Ceili, it was 21 September 1988) the doctor had given me a paper to sign after two days of labor. It was a simple form giving permission for a Caesarian Section.

Anna Yackle, my first wife, says I froze.

I probably did. I thought I was signing a death warrant. I have never felt as powerless or as scared… until now.

So, Kim is here to hold my hand, if necessary. But the oncologist, in a long meeting with Jane and I yesterday, assured me that it was highly unlikely that there would be any need for that sort of event again.

(That’s the reassurance I needed. Most of the meeting was for Jane’s benefit.)

So, as emotional as I am at the moment, I’m glad to have Jack wait.

I look for old friends from college from time to time and had been looking for Jack and another friend, Robert Foster, for some years. The searches usually occur around Christmas, but are also spurred by events such as turning 50 or especially September 2001. Jack is the second old college friend to reconnect this week, the other being Dan Fowler.

Bob has eluded my searches over the years, though I think he was working for a time in upstate New York near Oneida for a while.

Jack was very easy to find with the right search terms. For years I’d just been using the wrong terms. It turns out he is listed by HuffPo in one of its indexes as among the worst of the worst. (Well, I know Jack, and that’s HuffPo’s opinion. Look in my other blog to read what I think of them.)

Okay, gotta take a break here. Doctor Boutros just came through and announced that the cyst was benign and that the surgery only required the loss of a single ovary. There is a wash of emotion here and relief. I’m going to make some calls and relax.

Five phone calls later… My head is spinning around. I made a handful of telephone calls and now I’m trying to funnel this great feeling into my writing. Writing makes me feel more relaxed then talking to people.

The loss of safety, the realization, really, that we are mortal and that death awaits us really came into focus in September 2001. And since that time, spurred by events like becoming 50 or now Jane’s illness and my RIF notice, spur me to look at old friendships, to seek them out.

We are human and humanity means mortality. Only the young believe they will live forever, not having experienced loss.

We seek our foundations at times of stress, I think. The measure of a man is often found in how he deals with defeat and challenges. God knows that with Jane’s health, even her life, threatened and no job, I’ve been a textbook case of stress this month. I’ve been seeking out those old friendships more and more, seeking the reassurance that there is a more spiritual nature to our existence; that this too shall pass.

God, this sounds so loopy. I simply needed that lost foundation from friends that we still cared for each other, even if we hadn’t seen each other for years. And the renewal of friendships with these people is very welcome. We are mortal and our time is brief. I want to preserve those valuable relationships. I want them to grow again.

I guess that’s why I started this blog and why I invite people to read it. (Also, note, this is the last mass e-mails. I’ll create the ability to subscribe to the blog and otherwise allow you to keep in touch there.)

Bottom line, Jane’s cyst is benign. That is really good news after a month of crap.